This past 1.5 month was truly a challenging time of my life. More l listen, more my heart gets restless, yet the enormous wave of peace will force its way into my heart, my emotions is on a roller coaster ride, yet almsot every time, it’s not a sermon that comforts me, it’s not my favourite worship song that brings me reminder how faithful our God is, it’s not my sharing with my church that brings me the peace, but always and always whenever I was drowned in sadness encountering the gruesome description of what Cambodian had been enduring for the past 3 decades (or even longer), the only comfort is found in His words, Him breathing in His promises to my heart, His sovereignty, His faithfulness, where else I could find comfort and hope when I am setting my eyes onto Him, and Him alone??
Someone in church last Sunday mentioned the cost being the disciple, I was floored to the ground, my heart was racing, my palms were sweating, my head was spinning. How reluctant I was to share with people esp at this stage of “listening and waiting patiently for God”, I felt the Holy Spirit really prompted me to share and that I could be transparent and that I could beg for prayers from my
brothers and sisters.I may look a bit lost at times when I am in the middle of the crowd worshipping during service, or when other people talking about other things when my heart is still resonating with what I just read from the Killing Field book or what I just watched on YouTube when I researched on Cambodia. Yet my heart is indeed full of joy and filled with this extremely overflowing of His love and grace that I don’t know how to express myself but to stream down my tears to gush the joy out. It’s funny that everytime I am sharing this with other people, others will usually immediately draw to a conclusion or ask me this question “Are you planning to go to Cambodia this summer?”, “Are you praying to go to short term mission?” However what is in my mind is not about just the going or a 3 week STM (of course I am not saying it won’t happen as the start). What I am praying for is more than just that. Though I don’t know whether God is actually calling me to go there physically to be the frontline worker (I cannot guarantee it won’t be happened one day, but I am still waiting patiently for His instructions). Yet one thing I know for sure (that’s the thing that gives me spinning head as well as joy) is my life is now forever linked to Cambodia, a country I have no connection and relationship with, yet a country that has been taking root inside of me, crawling into every chamber of my heart, a country housed of all of my fear yet God is calling me to pay close attention to it and its people (ie. God is inviting me to face my own fear too whilst my heart is breaking for what is now happening over there). I couldn’t pray now without thinking and mentioning the names of the girls whom I’ve come to learn about. Wherever I see and however I pray, their faces and their stories are in my mind, I couldn’t shake them away.
I see Cambodia when I walk passed the fountain in Eaton Centre. I see Cambodia when I search a client’s name at work. I think of Cambodia during the church membership meeting looking at the item “Mission”. I noticed “Made In Cambodia” in my H&M black cardigan (btw, I have never seen one thing that is made in Cambodia). I received prayer updates from missionairies updating us what the girls are enduring right now literally give me chest pain that I coudlnt’ even breathe. That’s what Bill Hybel said in his “Holy Discontent” that God really grabbed me by the throat and doesn’t let me go. I gasped for air when my chest is tightened by only imagining the physical pain the girls are receiving each day. I thought I am having a heart attack, yet God releases my heart and just to remind me this is how it feels when His heart is breaking and He is weeping too while the little girls bearing the fear and pain in those disgusting raping stalls.
It seems like all songs we are going to sing during worship or during my personal worshipping time, I couldnt’ let go the fact that it’s all about Cambodia and its suffering people and what God has been speaking to me and “knocking on my heart” (more story to come).
I can only find rest and peace in His words, and every passage I flipped and let God speaks to me, is solely about one thing :
“Take heart! I’ve overcome the world.”
“You didn’t choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit – fruit that will last and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you.”
Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.”
Before I’ve come to know what God wants me to do specifically, I am taking this time to equip, to “wait patiently for the Lord”, to “hide His words in my heart”, so I can be ready when the time comes. What God has shown me is not a 2 week or a month short term vision trip, but something that demands so much more. A vision trip is more for my own benefit, and by doing that it is only appeasing my conscious that at least I am doing something and “committing” something to God. But I know God is asking me more than that. Longer I wait now, stiller I come to listen, my heart will go very restless, yet my heart will be suddenly overflown with His peace. It’s been like that every day, I do get tired and emotionally messed up when every day my heart is like a thunderstorm, yet Jesus will come and calm the storm. Here comes the next day.