… a very foreign joy …

This week was Heather’s 2nd week of her Junior Kindergarten.  Yesterday was the first day that she didn’t break into tears when we woke her up at 6:30 in the morning.  Yesterday was also the first day that we didn’t wrestle when I tried to dress her in her uniform.  Yesterday was also the first day that she was all smiles walking into the classroom waving us goodbye without clinging onto our legs.  Yesterday was also a day that Heather finally found it fun printing the cursive little “i” on her homework sheet.  I give all the credits of these first milestones of Heather to our Father God for He answered our prayers that we are reminded by the Holy Spirit that we, as her parents, are not in any position to mold her in any form and shape.  I am not confident nor have any right or capability of molding another person for whom God have already had a plan.  God’s imprint and idea is hidden within.  I come to realize that my job is to unfold what is within her, layer by layer, exposing the gift she is given and that she would live out a life of offering for her Father God.
What do all these revelation have anything to do with Cambodia?  There are!  As I do all of the above with Heather every morning, SN’s face is also within my peripheral vision.  Her face is always at the corner of my eyes.  Her face and Heather’s face is always overlapping with each other when I hear a sweet voice saying “Good morning mommy, I love you!”.  As I feel the tug in my heart when Heather says, “Mommy, you always come back for me!”.  I hear another voice dancing somewhere in the air with the same sentence too.  SN stretches my heart’s limits to love my own child.  Every morning when I look at the picture of SN, which is now being hung next to Heather’s, I am reminded that not only I am the mother of Heather, I am also reminded that what was spoken to me 8 months ago when I stepped out of Rexdale Alliance is starting to take serious shapes and forms.  8 months ago I didn’t know how to process what I heard and was exposed to.  All I knew is to come before the feet of Jesus with all these stories and faces.  8 months later, here I am, having my heart tugged and expanded and stretched to such a distortion in which I am no longer who I was.  I am in the process of being unfolded within too.  After being a Christian for nearly 15 years, it’s this very year I finally grasp who I am and what I am called to do as Jesus’ follower, that I find the joy, a very foreign type of joy, even how rare it comes when involving in this ministry.  I house this very foreign joy that can be expressive and also inexpressive at times.  This very foreign joy can be so exuberant in colours if colours can do the justice in describing how I experience every day when I walk my life in this broken world which is always in pitch dark.  Always and always when I thought I am surrounded in pitch dark where I am blindfolded, this very foreign joy seeps its way inside again.  Grief and bliss all intermingle with each other in this ministry for all these fiesty Cambodia children who were once very much abused to the rock bottom of the evil of the evil, what they experienced are far beyond their years age.  More and more young girls are being rescued and given a place to unfold in the protection and safety of God’s blueprints.  They no longer are products tagged by a dollar value, bought and sold, punched, kicked, poked, tied down, tortured and photographed in degrading poses.  It’s God’s love!!  God’s redeeming love and transformation bestow on their heads a halo of peace and promise that the dark and thundering clouds were once around them are gone.  Their self esteem eclipse my own.  Looking at all these children, all are created in the image of God, who can be unfolded in tender, loving hands; and no longer being pressed into a mold  by powerful, cruel, manipulative and evil adults. 
It’s pure joy of not confining our peripheral vision towards our earthly world with solutions or resolutions, nor arguing over a doctrinal theology with debative strength or weakness (of course, there are time and places and necessities for that at times), but there is this pure joy, which can be very hostile yet can be very gentle, so much grief yet so much bliss!  For me, that is the “THE JOY”!

2 responses to “… a very foreign joy …

  1. This is one of the very few powerful testimonies I’ve read in years… Real joy that only He can bless… Amen! And I attest and am touched by every word in it!

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