“But as for me, I trust in you.”

I see myself standing amongst the crowds of children, I see my arms hugging one after another, their arms, my arms, ours are all tangled with one another.  I smell the scent of dust and sweat on my clothes, their clothes, my clothes.   I am looking at them through my tears, their tears, my tears.  Their eyes. their big round eyes are catching my breath when I anticipate what are about to happen onto them.  I cannot breathe once again.  I cannot sleep after working on my application past midnight.  I dream dreams, I see visions, I feel pain, my heart has not been that heavy for quite a while, and now it comes to me new and fresh again.  All I know for certain is that I need to hang onto His words.  I have been re-re-reading the book of Philippians.  I have been meditating on Psalm 51 for a week. i keep going back to this Psalm as my breath of prayers for Svay Pak, for the children at the kids club.  The words “But as for me, I trust in you” keep coming back to me as His promise.

I was watching a documentary about Cambodia and Khmer Rouge this morning alone.  Heather was sitting across the room.  I turned down the volume so the noise of the documentary won’t disturb her with a hope that she wouldn’t notice I was watching in tears about something so disturbing.  After a while, she called on me at the far side of the room, “Mami, are you watching something about Cambodia?  Because I can hear the hard “C” sound, -ca-ca-Cam-bo-dia!, Mami, I am drawing a picture of Cambodia, can you mail it out for me?”   My heart is frozen yet dissolving into a disbelief that my Heather’s heart has already started to open, to see and to care about His suffering people whom He weeps for, whom He died for!!

I  was watching and listening to this song again and it says it all.  “To the oppressed and the broken, to the widows and the orphans, let the river of Your justice flow through us.”


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