As I inch my way to the day of leaving for Cambodia, I have thousands of words churning up to my throat, waiting in line to roll out of my tongue and lips to say what I want to say, to ask for prayer with what I want others to pray, however, every single word I want to form on my tongue turn to inertia of silence. What I have been reading, listening, watching and learning will be, in 2 weeks, in front of my eyes, ringing in my ear-drums, hitting all my senses and most of all beating my heart for Cambodia.
I am also in the midst of preparing a presentation to a mom’s group on the day of leaving for Cambodia, I went back to my powerpoint materials and allowed myself to watch Mien’s story from the start to the end. I have the opportunity to watch and share her story to numerous group of people for so many times to a point I am afraid I am started to become calloused after following every slide of her story. I asked myself various times how come I stop feeling anything. Today, I switched it on with hesitation in my heart as if I am going to watch this video for the first time. I was in tears, in so much tears. Not because I am not familiar with her story and her journey, but because I will be visiting the community and this former brothel in real time on a real date on a real calendar month of a real calendar year. That sends me to a whirlwind of unknown and fear, yes, FEAR.
“What I am going to do? My fear starts to explode. The cost, yes, the cost we often heard of and doing bible study on has started to pinch my flesh deep and harsh. I am terrified.” I ask in my prayer to the Holy and Mighty God.
He replied, “I am the Way, the Truth, and the Life. No one comes to the Father except through me … Very truly I tell you, all who have faith in me will do the works I have been doing, and they will do even greater things than these, because I am going to the Father. And I will do whatever you ask in my name, so that the Father may be glorified in the Son. You may ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it. “If you love me, keep my commands. And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another advocate to help you and be with you forever – the Spirit of truth. The world cannot accept him, because it neither sees him nor knows him. But you know him, for he lives with you and will be in you. I will not leave you as orphans; I will come to you. Before long, the world will not see me anymore, but you will see me. Because I live, you also will live. On that day you will realize that I am in my Father, and you are in me, and I am in you. Whoever has my commands and keeps them is the one who loves me. The one who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I too will love them and show myself to them.” – John 14:6-14
He replied, ““Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me. For whoever wants to save their life will lose it, but whoever loses their life for me will save it. What good is it for someone to gain the whole world, and yet lose or forfeit their very self? Whoever is ashamed of me and my words, the Son of Man will be ashamed of them when he comes in his glory and in the glory of the Father and of the holy angels.” Luke 9:23-26
My hope is hanging onto His words, my fear is starting to melt away … Amen!