… pangs …

‘Cause what if Your BLESSINGS come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near

This upside-down journey that the Lord took me ever since often comes with pangs of pain and hills of sorrow.

I sat across from one whose heart has been burdening for children being sold to brothel for years.  The toppling fear festering, we both defined, was the reason.  Even the fear was addressed and dealt with, the ever universal question was even more toppling, “How can I make an impact?”  In my words, “How can I even make a dent to such monstrous darkness?” “Where do I start?”  “How?” “What can I do?”

I was sitting across from her and seeing so much of myself in her.  She kept sharing, I kept nodding, my heart was agreeing every single word that she uttered, my mind was reeling back what the Lord reiterated to me 3 months ago, one year ago, 2 years ago, 4 years ago, and that I could quote, without stopping to catch my breath, how loud His reiteration drumming in my ears as I listened to her.  We both agreed it’s the fear that stopped us.  We both agreed it’s the “not knowing what to do” that just spinned our heads around.  Yet the tears is exactly the most interrupting factor.  How can I talk to people if I just cannot stop sobbing?  How can I talk to people if all I could manage is crying?  How a cupful of salted secretion that is designed to clean and lubricate our eyes, bursting out from our tear ducts sets us out on a journey?

I smiled at her honest sharing (not because I am cruelly mocking her being tearful), because that was me (and still is) in thorough definition.  Tears pushed its way out from the duct when I uttered the word “Abba Father” when I was sitting with a handful of people in a room, listening to their intercessions, and the only task I could manage to do was non-stopped bawling and sobbing and weeping.  I wept when I heard “9000 times”.  I wept when I came to know a story of a girl being gang raped for 3 long months, being shackled onto the bedpost for 3 long months, naked and exposed for 3 long months.  When she finally escaped, her internal body completely destroyed.  Her reproductive organs were deciminated as well she had no control over her bladder functions. Even now, the stench of semen surrounds her and she can’t get rid of it. How long O’ Lord do you tolerate this kind of dehumanization and degradation?  How can someone and anyone could contain their emotion when one heard of this story.  I wanted to vomit. Something inside of me needed to be expelled. The defilement I heard made me sick to the stomach.

Father God, I asked, “Where is their hope?  From where they could find hope?”

Father God, You then answered, “Hope is found in me.  In ME ALONE!!”  All we could do is to lift them up in our prayers.  We get to know them by a few lines of brief introduction.  Yet Father, you bring them to us and beckon us to fight for them by trusting in YOU by interceding for them despite we know not the answers.

As we come before you praying in silence, praying in loudness, praying in tears, praying and groaning, praying with pounding fists on our hearts, we are going into the most inward, internal battle that no one could be a part of, except myself, with the one who dare to join me in this battle, entering into Your presence, our Living and Speaking God.  The 3 of us sat in a tucked-away corner of a hiding place in deep conversation by You listening and answering with us wrestling and interceding.

I prayed,

Let not a single drop of tears and a single sound of cry be go in vain and be mute, for our Lord hears them all and He will act upon them as we come before Him so undone and broken for this is a glimpse of His weeping heart for His children.

Father God, May this sorrow that You placed in our hearts not be sorrow in itself alone, those are not sign of weakness or being vulnerable in the eyes of the world, but indeed a revelation of Your heart when you see your children suffer and yet we know you are way bigger, way bigger than the enemy is trying to steal, kill and destroy, we come against what the enemy is doing now in the name of Jesus, to break the chain of bondage, the chain of destruction, but for you to hold all these in Your hands, and bestow on us and them the crown of beauty instead of ashes, turn the mourning into dancing, turn sorrow into joy, that we are your garment of praise instead of spirit of despair, that we are called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of Your splendor (Isaiah 61).  What a privilege, what a promise we could claim from Your words, from the ancient years, and yet it still rings true in our lives.  We know that this sorrow we feel is necessary for us to experience your broken heart, SO THAT we understand you, and we know you more, and allow you to take us deeper into this journey of redemption and of healing, Lord, we entrust everything in Your hands, so take us by the hand and lead us.  We know there is no other place we want to be and no other excuse to not do Your will, Lord!!   Grow our hearts, and strengthen our hearts and let’s not grow weary and lose heart, but to wait upon you, for strength will rise as we wait upon you.  Lord, thank you for embracing us, and taking in our cries.  I pray all these in the name of Jesus.  Amen.

We prayed for Your mercy to stop the tears so that we could speak.  The next thing we came to realize, the tears have stopped, not because our hearts stop feeling the pain, but You answer exactly what we asked from You.  “I stop the tears and will allow it to come at another place and time, but now, I am stopping your tears so that you could speak up, so that others could hear you as you speak through ME, so that they could hear the muffled voices and the muttering cries of the little ones in Cambodia.  Now … GO!!”


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